oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Randomize
