i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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