He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
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