It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Randomize
