you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
