Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I think my nap took me to another dimension
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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