Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
