so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
