Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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