Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Send help, water and tortillas.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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