so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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