i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
