i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
