You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
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