sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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