I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
You're like the curious george of whores
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
