I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
