4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
