a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
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