When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
In America we eat man semen.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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