I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
