Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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