my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
