I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
3 2 1 whiskey
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
