This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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