I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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