Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I'm at about main and main street
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Randomize
