Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Randomize
