just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Houston, we have a blender
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
