Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
i think my mom watched the whole time
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
