someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
