He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
i now understand why vodka
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
