I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
don't judge my taste in strippers
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
