Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
