and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Everclear isn't food dammit
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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