i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
