after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
I did not marry a roomba.
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