guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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