I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
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