Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
