I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
