I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Randomize
