What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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