around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
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