When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Success! We fucked roommates!
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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