don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
This show inspires me to have sex in space
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
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