I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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