you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
