why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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