Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Randomize
