then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
